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To the tune of “Harper Valley PTA”

~by Tim


                    Let me tell you all a story about a sweet ‘Bama aunt

                    Loving but strict in bringing up her young and naughty man

                    Well, she got a phone call one Sunday from the pastor’s wife

                    Seemed nephew Tim nearly scared her out of her God-fearing life.


                    She said “Miss Rhi, before class Tim set off an M-80

                    Sounded like a bomb, we thought ‘Oh Lord, it’s time we all get ready

                    And we don’t believe that Tim should into behaving this way

                    I’m sure for this you’ll see fit to have Tim dearly and severely harshly pay.


                    Well, it happened that the Ladies Ministry was gonna’ meet that very afternoon

                    They were sure surprised when Miss Rhi walked behind Tim into the room

                    As she pulled out a straight-backed chair, I can still recall the words she had to say

                    She said, “We’d like to address this meeting if we apologetically may.”


                    Well, it’s the second time this year my nephew’s got to have a paddle date

                    He’s gonna’ need a tub of ice to cool his naughty naughty nates

                    And when we’re through he’ll stop bein’ the Sunday School clown

                    But first I’ve gotta’ drop his bitches and pull ever’thing all completely down.


                    Then Auntie Rhi took Tim across her knee, bare bottom in front of all ladies there

                    Without delay brought her paddle cracking on the first of many of the fare

                    To pay the price for the disruptive stunt that Tim felt he had to play

                    Now the Pastor’s wife and church ladies approvingly smiled and did. not look away.


                    Again and again Auntie Rhi’s paddle on Tim’s bare bottom fell

                    The sounds of paddle cracks alternating with his loud cries and yells

                    Imploring and promising to behave better now

                    The ladies looking on could only think ‘Oh my and wow!’


                    Finally, Auntie Rhi felt her loving job was done

                    As she believed Tim would not ever again engage in that kind of fun

                    He would for some time coming be sure to stay in line

                    Because his bottom was the shade of the local McDonald’s sign.


                    Believe me, I know because I was in over her lap there

                    The day Auntie Rhi bared and blistered well my very deserving rear.

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